Don't keep questions to yourself

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Colicky babies, tantrum-throwing toddlers, disobedient grade-schoolers and back talking teenagers ...

The second a child is born, parents are overwhelmed with problems and concerns. Worrying comes second nature to parents who want to raise a happy, self-sufficient, successful little person.

Every problem that is encountered often has parents scratching their heads for solutions and wondering whether other parents are going through similar situations.

A new parenting book, "Am I a Normal Parent?" by psychologist and mother of two daughters, Sara Dimerman, addresses issues many parents face while raising children and assures parents they are not alone.

"Most every parent that I've spoken to has wondered or asked out loud 'Am I normal?' I don't think they want to feel that they are alone," Dimerman said.

Her book is based on hundreds of interviews with parents, as wells as responses to a questionnaire with 50 questions, such as ...

"Do you feel there are enough hours in a day to do everything?"

"Would you leave your 3-year-old alone in a car while you ran into the store for a couple minutes?"

"Do you ever feel that of all the households in the neighborhoods yours could win the 'Morning from Hell' award?"

"Do you ever long for life the way it was before kids?"

"Have you ever not shared a secret about your feelings or thoughts as a parent for fear of not being considered normal by others?"

In her book, Dimerman compiled the results of the survey, along with interviews she conducted, and offered advice and reassurance to parents.

"It's a therapy for parents. One parent said it's therapy for the mind and soul," Dimerman said.

She said the idea for the book came about after talking to hundreds of parents as a therapist for 20 years. Many of Dimerman's patients have asked "Am I a normal parent?" She said she has asked the question of herself.

"Certainly as a parent that question pops into my mind," Dimerman said. "Within most of my sessions people will ask 'am I normal?' Parents want some kind of yardstick to determine where they fit."

She said parents voice varied concerns about raising children from development of their children to sleep and behavior issues to sibling rivalry.

Le Ann De Reus, assistant professor of human development at Penn State Altoona, said parents often become frustrated trying to understand their children. Understanding child development and what behavior is acceptable at different ages helps parents respond appropriately.

"It helps to alleviate maybe some of the frustrations," De Reus said.

Head Start in Altoona offers a Parent Connection group where anywhere from four to 15 parents meet every Tuesday to discuss frustrations, problems, successes and any other issues.

Kathy Gregg, Head Start Teen Link Connection and Parent Connection director, facilitates the group every week. No topic is off-limits during the hour-long session.

"The group is good because most parents have been through what another parent might bring up," Gregg said. Parents talk about everything from discipline to favoring one child over the other to balancing work and family to guilt issues.

"Guilt is a huge-huge issue with parents. Guilt and parenting go together like cookies and milk. Parents feel guilty all the time. We're always worried we're not making the right choices," Dimerman said.

Talking with other parents can relieve some of the anxiety and guilt parents feel.

Shannon Frank of Duncansville started attending the Parent Connection Group in the spring after finishing a Nurturing Parenting class at Head Start. A single mother of two boys, Jesse Frank, 6, and Lukas Stoy, 19 months, Frank was looking for advice and camaraderie.

"I try not to miss a class. It's my sanity some weeks. We talk about everything," Frank said.

Along with enjoying adult conversation, she has also learned some new parenting tactics. Instead of spanking Jesse, Frank has tried different solutions to behavior problems, such as behavior charts and rewarding positive behavior.

"I'm much more patient with my kids now," Frank said. "I do stuff different now."

Frank and the other parents also talk about balancing work and family. Children often wonder why their parents cannot spend more time with them. Finding time for your children and yourself is often a balancing act, Dimerman said.

"Jesse says to me all the time 'Mom, do you have to go to work today?' If I don't work, we won't have a roof over our heads," Frank said.

Another parent in the group, Caroline Flegal of Altoona, who has two children, Alex, 10 and Catherine, 4, often feels exhausted after work.

"You come home tired. They want to do something. You do feel guilty, like am I doing the right thing? They're growing up and the world's still turning, but it takes two incomes anymore," Flegal said, explaining she felt guilty recently when her son asked her why she always came home from work in a bad mood. "I felt terrible," Flegal said.

Flegal and her husband Ken have been attending the group for about four years. The Flegals were looking to learn better parenting skills.

"It helps to talk to other parents about issues," Flegal said. "It's kind of like a parents' night out. I think you feel safe here to talk to other parents."

Georgette Lewis, the mother of an autistic son, 13-year-old Jacob Yeidel, and an 11-year-old daughter Tanya Yeidel finds comfort in talking to other parents at Parent Connection.

"I'm trying to find some more answers. I'm looking for support," Lewis said.

"A lot of times parents help each other solve problems," Gregg said.

Advice, sympathy and support are commonplace at Parent Connection.

"Nobody judges anybody. You realize everybody is here for their kids," Frank said.

When De Reus teaches her human development and family studies courses, she often discusses the importance of interacting with other parents.

"I think it's very helpful in that parents can actually interact with other parents and have discussions that they're not the only ones dealing with these issues," De Reus said.

When parents are going through difficult periods it could also help to talk to a therapist or family counselor.

"There's a lot of insecurity and self-question. If you're conscious of it, you begin to ask questions of yourself. You're always questioning yourself 'Am I doing the right thing?'" James Brady, a counselor with In Counseling said. "It comes with raising kids. And, that's a good question to ask."

"It's nice to know there's other parents going through it, that you're not the only one going through this crap," Frank said.

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