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In Which I Am An Internet Sensation

September 28, 2018 - Jen Zbozny
Do you find your cellphone convenient? Do you like it that you can carry it along with you so your family can get hold of you wherever you are? Does it help you that your phone allows you to watch Netflix on it, so you can binge-watch Netflix from your phone whilst you finally go through all those boxes in your attic that the movers put there ten years ago?* If your phone works properly it can provide you information, connection, and entertainment at your fingertips. Bravo technology-builder-type-people.

My phone has other ideas. My phone is Loki. A tricksy prankster. My phone has ideas of its own and this is how I'm about to become an internet sensation. Yes, me! Here's why.

Some people who... ahem... might be close to my age might recall when televisions had antennae. The antennae served as your television watching calisthenics session. This is because in order to watch a particular channel you had to move the antennae all over the place - bending and stretching until the exact Twister game-like contortion that appeased said antennae and allowed your show to flow through its magic wands and come out your screen.

My phone is a similar masochist. It loves nothing more than to tempt me with the pleasant thought of placing or answering a phone call. Once I enter the numbers (does anyone else still use or memorize phone numbers????) or press to answer an incoming call, my phone smiles pleasantly and then lets me hear about three seconds of the conversation. Then it guillotines my call. Every. Single. Time.

Unless I sit on my front porch.

That, dear reader, is how I've become accustomed to sitting on my front porch in all sorts of weather and attire at any hour of day or night, trying to have a complete phone call. That dear reader, is what I was doing the other day at approximately 6:30 am, IN MY PAJAMAS, when what to my wondering eyes should appear on driving down the street?

Allow me to keep you in suspense a moment. I use the word pajamas loosely. The idea that I would have had some lovely matched set of sleepwear on is ludicrous. I had on an ancient pair of baggy boxer shorts (that have never once stayed up on my hips even when they were new, decades ago) in an all-over blueberry pattern. YAY! And the sloppiest, most ill-fitting tank top on. It read "Betty's Burger Bar." Don't try too hard to picture it. It aint pretty.

Note well I have a wide porch, easily visible from the street. That, dear reader, is my state of affairs, when the GOOGLE STREET VIEW mobile drove past my home.

Google. Street. View.

Yup. Soon to be internet sensation Jen Zbozny in her Betty's Burger Bar tank top jammies, coming to internet searches near you.

How does this ALWAYS happen to me?

Also, can I share that my mother spent most of my formative life having HER phone conversations on OUR front porch. Okay well certainly the portion of my life where she had a phone with a portable handset, or a reaaaaallllly long cord - so, a lot. Can I share that my trickster phone is both turning me into my mother AND embarrassing me on the internet as we speak? AAAUUGHHHH....

But still, internet sensation. Right on, me!


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