Another Child of Mine

17 years ago, today..in fact, right this very hour (2:00) I gave birth to a little boy named Zachary who passed away later that evening. I was prepared. I knew at 16 weeks that something wasn’t quite right. During a routine sonogram to determine dates, there was a big black spot in the area of his kidneys. They were fluid filled because of a blockage. I was left with a choice...wait it out and see what happens or end the pregnancy. I put my faith in God and continued on. Three weeks before his due date, he arrived. He gave one little cry as he filled his too small lungs with a gasp and then they took him first to the warmer, then to the nursery and then on a helicopter to Pittsburgh where we would meet up with him later to say goodbye. I held him, swaddled in a hospital issue blanket, as the last of artificial life support left his body and then handed him over to the nurse, collected the few belongings they had gathered: heart rate strip, bandaid, the blanket, a onesie with a bit of his umbilical blood on it, and went home. Empty.

My arms weren’t empty for long. Two years later I welcomed Bailey. Two years after that, Finnley and two years after that Asher. Four and five years later? Drue and Piper. And it’s been a whirlwind since then... Each year, the memory of the day I gave birth to Zachary gets a bit foggier as its edges blur into my other labors and deliveries. The emptiness has been filled to overflowing. I originally typed overwhelming and that would be an appropriate description too.

But I haven’t forgotten completely. Once in a while, one of the kids will ask a question about him...and we’ll wonder for a moment what he might have looked like at different ages. We’ll wonder what his voice would’ve been like and which of the kids he might’ve been most like. Sometimes, I’ll take a photo of the kids and there’s a space there because of the way they chose to stand...and I think, “that’s Zachary’s spot.” Or I’ll be in the attic, digging around for one thing or another and I’ll unearth the box of his keepsakes and sit down a while to look through them...again.

Sometimes, it’s like I forget that not that long ago, one of the saddest things in the whole world happened to me. It’s funny how life goes on and God fills the empty spaces and gives you MORE than you could’ve ever imagined on the saddest day of your life.